Depression can eat away at the very fibers of your being, it can completely take control and it can seem like it will never end. I used to feel that way. My depression used to overtake me. But for the first time in my life, I can happily say that I finally have a handle on my depression. Melancholy still creeps up from time to time, but yoga and meditation are always there for me, no matter what. Wherever I am, I can do a little yoga, I can take a deep breath and meditate. I can move around a bit, circle my hips about and roll my shoulders round and round where tension and sadness collect and I can breathe more deeply and feel better. It comes from me. Sometimes I forget, but the more I do it, the better I get at not forgetting.
At times, in the past, I sought out a therapist’s advice, even had a brief flirtation with antidepressants. I tried downplaying my depression, pedaling it away on the bike trails or muscling it up at the gym. All of these things helped, but they helped the symptoms, not the underlying cause. How can I get to the bottom of my depression with a better understanding of its true meaning? What are the triggers? How did I get here? Why is it always like this? What can I do to mitigate these feelings of woe and despondency? How can I really be honest with myself?
Antidepressants may help some folks, and again, I did feel a reprieve, but I still had that nagging feeling, that deep down, down in the very bones of my body, that there was still work to be done. Talking to a therapist also helped. But still, I wasn’t solving the problem, I was simply popping a pill or talking to someone who didn’t really know me, because ultimately, it’s really hard to be truly honest with a therapist. We paint pictures. We don’t give them the whole story. They are only human. We don’t have time! I am not knocking therapy, it is a w0nderful way for you to figure out who you are. But for me, there was still something missing. I wanted to feel better all on my own. It took a lot of work and honesty. I had to really look behind the closed door I refused to open. Look at who I am and from where I come. Yoga and meditation were key in opening that door.
I’ve grappled with depression since the third grade. I distinctly remember the first time I felt it. I was so scared, so sad, and I felt so alone. So to whom did I turn? Me. Well, eventually, me. First I turned to Mom and faked sick for a week so that I could skip school and, looking back, take my first mental health days. I often wonder how I pulled it off. Well, I don’t think I did. I think she, too, bless her heart, was depressed, and she welcomed the company. We never talked about it that whole week or any time after. We just hung out, we talked, I helped her with cooking, we watched TV, we took walks, we read together. She instilled in me my fondness for reading. A seed was planted. I started to lose myself in my books and for years on end, started every morning with at least one chapter from my latest book. I would awake and grab my book and go somewhere else, even if it were only for a half hour.
One could say I was hiding. Bailing. But I wasn’t hiding or running away from the world. I needed quiet time to figure the world out, figure out how I fit in that world. That was a special week for me. I will always cherish Mom for letting me take that time. I will always remember how at the outset, I felt so sad and hopeless and at the end, I felt hopeful. I was excited to get back to school, to make up my work, and to put in extra work. I felt restored and renewed, at a mere 9 years old! The birth of an introvert.
From an early age, I decided I needed some Me time to delve, to contemplate, to explore who I was and why I was so sad. One could say that Mom did me no favors, letting me stay home like that. Afterall, there is something to picking yourself up by the bootstraps and getting out there and just doing it! But that isn’t always easy. Especially if you are depressed. Ever tell a depressed person to just snap out of it?! Well, we all know that is NOT the right approach. Sometimes you just need to take some time to reconnect, to decompress, to breathe, to rest! and to do something special for yourself. But you also have to realize that the solution comes from you. Not from a doctor, a pill, a bag of chips, a new pair of shoes, it comes from you and it comes from your work and your honesty. You have to look at yourself in the mirror. Boy, does yoga help me really look at myself. And not my visage, my soul. Over time, I have figured out how to regulate my needs and my emotions and my destructive habits that were holding me back and to keep them in check. It ain’t easy. Learning how to pace your extroverted life is a challenge for an introvert.
COVID and all its nasty repercussions give me cause for concern, give me great cause to mope and to fret, yet it was those early days of learning to be content on my own, and accept that idea that lone time is nothing of which to be ashamed, that it is actually growth time, in my own home, in my solitude, and it was then that I learned to thrive and to make the most of the quiet. Now I am ready to take the COVID bull by the horns and rise to the challenge. I am not saying I have been all smiles, there have been many tears fraught with worry and woe, but ultimately, those tears turn back into smiles, smiles of hope, smiles of love, smiles of compassion for those around me who have it worse. I’ve got it bad, a small apartment, noisy neighbors, no yard or garden in which to retreat, two cats that get into it and make it harder for me to breathe with all their dander, aging computer equipment, oh! the list goes on, but you know what? There are others who aren’t so fortunate. And I am doing what’s best for me so that I can go out and help others and live that community spirit that is so very vital in getting us through this overwhelming challenge. I can do my part. I can reach out to loved ones, I can respond to those who reach out to me, I can do nice things for others, I can treat them with respect and without judgment. That makes me feel better, that empowers me, knowing that I am trying and doing my part. We are all in this together, what part will you play?
Time on my mat has given me ample opportunity to explore who I am, how I respond to challenges, what I need to endure them, how to improve, and how I can share that cooperative spirit with others. Yoga and meditation have guided me to that path of peace, they have taken me to places of movement and to places of stillness, to a path of hope and to a path of love that end up somewhere really nice. A warm, warm heart.